We were fortunate that we met because we were both spankos. As I mentioned before, I saw an essay that Jack had written, and I wrote to him. As they say, the rest is history.
We had been fully open since Day One. Slowly, I moved it to mostly where I gave the spankings. I had expressed my interest in giving anal early, so it became a possibility as we continued to grow in our relationship. While reluctant, to say the least, he already knew that I had the interest, and we moved to where he sometimes took my finger. We progressed to toys then a strapon cock to a larger strapon cock. Because he was a spanko, he understood that the basic element – beyond consent and safety – was the mental portion of power dynamics. He was doing more for me that he did not like, especially anal, and was interested in tipping his toe into more submissive activities. He especially likes to serve so it fit well into a female led relationship.
We know that many partners do not get the mental aspect of the power exchange, and some partners are vanilla. Over the years, we have heard from so many others, especially men, who would like to be in a female led relationship with their spouse and just do not know how to start the conversation.
Our advice: Simply buy the biggest strapon cock, a massive jar of lube, a mean paddle and give it to her as a Valentine or anniversary gift.
Only kidding!
The problem is if you raise this issue with her and she explores at all, she may think you want what is often portrayed on the net. That includes having her dress a certain way and be cruel to the man she loves. So many men we speak with, simply talk about the sexual element of the FLR, which will scare away a vanilla spouse. Here is our actual advice to consider:
- Set aside time to talk with your wife and raise it from her vantage point: What would she like to think about differently about your roles? Think of it as the start of a series of discussions. If your spouse wanted to move to another state, would you want it tossed at you to decide in the first discussion?
- Share that this is important for you and you are willing to work at it to make it work for both of you. Ask her to explore this approach. You might want to warn her that much on the Internet is not what you want or don’t fairly characterize a FLR. Each FLR is tailored to what works for both people in the relationship.
- Eventually, suggest some reading that might help her explore a path for the two of you. This site is one that is especially good: A woman's guide to the benefits of a Female Led Relationship - About FLR. Read it first yourself so you could answer questions. Remember, this is not about cutting and pasting someone else’s FLR.
- Look at Ms. Rika’s books and figure out which one might be a good introductory to FLR for your spouse. It’s probably Uniquely Rika but look for yourself. Her approach is not our approach, but it lays out a nice view of FLR and provides many good ideas. Again, this might not be the first thing you plunk on the desk when you first talk with her about moving to a FLR.
- If you convince her to give a FLR style a try, think about setting a timeline of a month or a few months then, again, setting aside time to talk about what is working and not working. Maybe you make a nice meal for her and discuss it by candlelight.
- Possibly write up a few simple rules or changes you will make, again from her perspective, but things you are willing to do for her. As I used to remind my husband, submission is not just about what you want to do. Submission is also about doing tough things, working hard for your queen. That’s certainly true in our FLR.
- Doing more than your share of chores, bringing her the tea at the end of the night, rubbing her feet, allowing her to determine what occurs in the bedroom, wearing what she wants you to wear, and other focused points to her might be where your FLR starts – and possibly ends. Our FLR is also very sexual. Remember, we are both spankos so that’s a big part of our FLR, including true punishments. But many people have FLRs that do not include FLRs, chastity devices, toys, and strapons.
A portion of FLR that many may not fully understand is that to take the lead, it takes confidence. Building self-assurance while also learning something is always tough. This is especially true when one is expanding their boundaries. This might be why it is especially difficult to move a vanilla relationship to a FLR, especially if the woman is not naturally dominant.
Jack: While we had a high level of disclosure and shared interests from the start of our relationship, we did have some bumps of moving it to a FLR. For example, while I love the concept of receiving true punishment, when the time came to actually getting a hard spanking, I would sometimes wimp out. I would try to explain my way out of the punishment, or I would make Rachel feel guilty by speaking about all the things I do for her.
WRONG!
That just took away her confidence. I had to learn to own up to my behavior and take my medicine. That was the agreement and engaging my mouth before punishment backtracked on my agreement. And remember, we are both spankos so I can just imagine what it is like for folks not into spanking to start.
But what woman would not like to have her spouse pick up more of the housework, cook meals, and rub her feet?
Rachel: Plus, while I don’t think most women want to have their husband wear a chastity device – or even gave that any consideration – most women would love knowing that the only time their man reaches climax is with her. I appreciate that Jack does not masturbate unless we are together and I give him permission. His climaxes are totally owned by me. We have only used chastity devices in play or when in front of others (and that is fairly rare), since I enjoy knowing that he uses his willpower not to jack off on his own or looking at porn. I bet most women would love it if their partner’s focus was exclusively on them.
The bottom line is this is a discussion and incremental progress – seeing what works and what doesn’t work. We’ve expanded over the years, especially when it comes to my husband accepting my right to engage in anal when and how I want. That was tough for him, but submitting should – at times – be tough.
Other aspects of the female led relationship just do not apply to us. Neither of us want me to be ordering him around 24-hours. Wow…that sounds exhausting to me! If others want that type of relationship, great. But it was not for us. We also do not want others involved in any type of penetrative sex and I equal partnership when it comes to our finances.
Like with other aspects of a marriage or long-term relationship, this is about discussion and even negotiations. It’s about checking in every so often and making sure that it works for both parties. I just know that our female led relationship makes me feel like a queen and so special.
Wife is learning to love spanking she has been improving her technique for awhile now. She also really enjoys using this small spanking paddle i made her to spank my balls sometimes hard sometimes gentle. I on the other hand cant do much but take it die to being tied down spread eagle. Wouldn't have it any other way.
This is a great read, thank you. I’ve read one of ms Rika’s books and found it really useful - I was interested in your comment about the fact that your Approach is different - could you tell us more about that please?